When Helping Starts to Hurt

A hand reaching out... with no hand reaching back

There’s something no one tells you about being the “helper” in the room. The one who always shows up. The one who offers a hand, opens a door, stretches the truth just a little to cushion someone else’s reality. You want to help because your intent is pure. It really is. You see someone struggling, and something inside you moves. You lean in. You give time, money, connections, advice, even peace of mind.

But then... one day you say: “Hey, things have changed. Let’s rethink this.”

And suddenly you’re the villain.

Let me be blunt.

Do you even have the right to be offended?

Because I was the one sticking out my neck.I was the one trying to make life easier for you.

Now that I ask to pause, to reset, suddenly you’re distant? Cold? Offended? Really?

It’s hard not to feel taken for granted.I used to give my best—consistently. But now? The same people I went above and beyond for wouldn’t even lift a finger for me or my family if roles were reversed. And trust me, I’ve tested that theory.

I get it—people give in different ways.

Some give money.

Some give time.

Some give emotional labour.

Some give without keeping score.

But let’s be real... some just take.

The real sting comes when your generosity is taken as an entitlement. When your "yes" becomes a given, not a gift. When the moment you put up a boundary, you’re met with silent treatment or guilt trips. Suddenly you’re unreliable. Inconsistent. The selfish one.

No.

I’m just tired. Tired of helping from a cup that’s been empty for a while.Tired of feeling responsible for people who wouldn’t dare carry even a piece of my weight.

And you know what’s even worse? When everything is going well, it’s never because of you. But the moment things go wrong—suddenly it’s all on you.

That’s the part that gets me.

Here’s the perspective I’m trying to sit with: Helping is beautiful.Helping can be a gift. But helping doesn’t mean handing over your peace. It doesn’t mean enabling, or overextending, or abandoning yourself to save someone else who won’t even toss you a rope when you’re drowning.

So, maybe this is a season of redefining my yes.

Maybe it’s time to help me first.

Maybe, for now, helping looks like saying no.

And if someone is offended by that?

Then maybe they weren’t grateful in the first place. — S. Hart

Echoes of My Day